My Heart's Desires...

During my do over day when my BFF came over for a playdate for our kids I mentioned to her that I was in a place in my life that was maybe stagnant, but not really, but maybe lazy?  What I meant was that I wasn't currently pursuing any jobs or schooling. That I was home just doing my thing with my kids and then as I was telling her I thought, "This is the first time I realized that I am a-okay with where I am in my life. I am exactly where I want to be. The grass is not greener somewhere else."  I also said to her that I wasn't worried that I wasn't pursuing anything right now, but maybe I should be worried that I wasn't worried. Because every now and again I think that maybe I should be doing something more, because the kids won't be this age forever and don't I need to look towards the future.  But again, if I am so busy looking towards the future (which I have a habit of doing), I'm going to miss out on some of the awesome things my kids are doing right now.

So does that make me stagnant? Does it make me lazy?  'cause, I'm happy being right here. I do have one massive project that I'm working on, that I'll share sometime. But fortunately, the project is totally on my time and I realize it's going to take me at least a year, if not longer to get it to where I'm happy enough with it to show it to someone else.  So, awesome right?  No pressure for that!

And isn't this what I have been searching for?  To find something that I love doing  and doing it right now?  I have wondered if I'd make a good Mama.  I've had my doubts. I'm not super creative, artsy, or crafty for that matter.  I don't have brilliant ideas of fun things to do with the kids, but we get by. We are busy with playdates, swim lessons, popsicles in the backyard, reading a ton of books and making multiple trips to the library, taking multiple trips for ice cream, school (when it's in session), dance lessons, soccer, spanish class, t-ball, church, volunteer activities, camp, seeing our 16 (almost 17!) cousins, and spending time together.

I'm just a mama trying to be there for her kids. I hope I'm doing a good job with it. There are times when I have my doubts, like when I'm out of patience or feel like I've dropped the ball.  However,  I think that this is where God has always wanted me to be and has been waiting for me to accept it.  It's taken me a while, but I'm embracing it. I'm loving it and I'm enjoying these precious years that have been an amazing gift.  I'm sure it will be too soon where I'm needed elsewhere and will have to pursue a job or more education, but in the meantime, I think I'll enjoy my grass. It's plenty green over here.

My Awesome Full-Time Job x3

 May He grant you your heart's desires and fulfill all of your plans  Psalm 20:4

P.S. I reflected on this same theme just after the birth of our third child. Check it out here: looks like I'm finally comfortable in my role.

Identity

Yesterday, I officially resigned from teaching in my local school system.  It was something that's been a long time coming. I've been on childcare leave for the last 3 years. This is the last year that I could take off before making my final decision to either go back to work or resign.  When I received my final paperwork, I knew that I would check off the box that gave my resignation. Even though I've been looking forward to this for quite some time, it was still scary to check off that box. It means that I am no longer employed and no longer tied to the school system. SCARY!

I received the paperwork just days after having Bam Bam. I feel like it's divine intervention. I do feel that it's God's way of saying that I can take this time to be a mommy and to say goodbye to my career for a while.  Not forever, but for a while.

For so long being a teacher was my identity. I knew who I was and I knew how to do my job.  Over the last 3 years I've been working on this new identity of being a stay-at-home mom.  It's a roller coaster ride. It's unpredictable, scary, fun, intimidating, exhilarating, exhausting, and the best job I have ever had.  Some days I don't think I'm very good at it, and other days I feel like I've completely hit it out of the park.  There's no other place I'd rather be right now.

I feel like I missed so much the first 2 years of Boogie's life while I worked. I'm happy that I took some time off to spend time with him that last 3 years and then to be around for Buggy and for Bam-Bam.  As a friend pointed, it's not forever. I could always go back if I wanted. But right now I have the opportunity to be totally selfish of my time and to do what I want. So I choose to stay home with the kids.  But I also realize that it's no longer my time and I don't get to do whatever I want. It's my kids' time and what I want to do is to serve them in this time.  So rewarding!  If I can raise them to be empathetic, helpful, loving, and kind people, then I've done a good job.

In the meantime I've decided to seriously focus on writing. I've received a lot of positive feedback from some of my posts.  I'm still in a "new" Mommy stupor and pretty exhausted, but as I continue to heal and get back into the swing of things, I'm going to start submitting some of my writing. Wish me luck!

Now when people ask what I do, instead of saying "I'm a teacher" I say, "I'm a Stay-at-home Mom."  It has a nice ring to it.

More Than...

I've started and stopped writing this post two times already. Maybe 3rd time's the charm.  Every time I sat down to write it, it sounded like I was complaining or unhappy with my roles as wife and mother. It's not that at all!!! I adore my roles as wife and mommy, two roles that I would never give up. They are the highest calling and I'm glad that I had enough sense to say, "yes."  I am so blessed and lucky that the love of my life chose me to be his wife. I'm so blessed to have my two beautiful children who bring laughter and sunshine to my life on a daily basis.

But I discovered something. Well maybe not discovered, more like remembered. I remembered that I am more than a mommy. I am a friend, a confidant, a dreamer. I am a person who has dreams, aspirations, and goals. I am so accustomed to being my family's biggest cheerleader that sometimes I forget to be my own.

I woke up so early on Saturday and when I called my husband hours later to chat he laughed when I told him I was up at the crack of dawn.  He said, "You don't know what what to do with yourself, do you?"  I really didn't. I'm so used to having a few minutes to myself in the morning and then being there for the kids the rest of the day. Being away forced me to be selfish and create my own timetable.  What a glorious and luxurious weekend it was. I was able to read, write, finish one of my long-standing projects (my son's baby book, woohoo!), talk for hours with my best friends over mugs of hot tea and good music, appreciate my husband who is home with the kids, and just take time to do whatever I wanted.  This was the perfect weekend for this discombobulated mommy. I felt like I could go back renewed to my family and give them everything that I have, again.

I was reading my Real Simple magazine this morning and came across an article "10 Secrets of an unflappable working mom" by Michelle Slatalla.  It was #10 that struck me most, especially as I tried to convey in this post how refreshing it was to remember that I was "more than...." and kept failing to do so without sounding like I was unhappy or complaining. Just the opposite. I was and am pumped to rediscover parts of me that I have neglected. It was like finding a $20 bill in a jacket pocket that you haven't worn since last season.  Ahhhh, I'm wife and mommy, but I'm me, too. That's what it is.

Here is a part of the article from Michelle Slatalla:

#10 STOP THINKING OF YOURSELF AS SPLIT INTO SEPARATE BUT EQUAL ROLES MOTHER, WORKER, ME.  Listen to  philosopher John Locke, who said that a person recognizes himself as the same being throughout his life, in different times and places.  You are one person, invisible, who just happens to wear many hats...