Humbled by my Middle Schooler

Wise beyond his years

My son and I had a recent conversation that humbled me.  Our school district requires students to perform at least 75 hours of community service. They have to fill out a form, have it signed by the coordinator, and remember to turn in said form.  Service hours are counted beginning in middle school and are collected through senior year of high school.  The schools offer service hours and also have them incorporated in lessons. For example a class lesson might be a field trip to do a stream clean up.  My son is in 8th grade. This happens to be the same year that he will be confirmed in our church.  His Religious Education coordinator told the students that it is expected to do community service hours to support our parish in three ways: individually, with the family, and with fellow religious education students/community. She said that she expected them to do it and no, she will not collect forms, sign forms, or count hours. She is going to trust them to complete the required community service. They will take time throughout the year to discuss the work they are doing and the value of the work they are doing. Several of the students were put off by the concept of not being recognized by the work they were doing.

Maybe I'm doing something right?

Go back to my conversation with my 8th grader. He has completed his 75 hours of community service required by the school system. He's turned in the required paperwork and I can see online that it's been counted.  He said he's done and he's not filling out another form.  I started to argue with him that he can keep doing community service and why not fill out the form? He'll be recognized at high school graduation for doing more!  He still has 4 years and the rest of 8th grade to rack up the hours!  And this is where he stopped me and humbled me.  He said, "Mom, just because I don't fill out the forms, doesn't mean I won't continue to help the community or our parish. I just don't see the point in tracking the hours. I've completed my hours, but it doesn't mean I'm done helping." And then he proceeded to list where is going to help and when.  He has a plan. He had one all along and I missed it.  I missed it because I was looking for the accolades and the recognition. And he is doing exactly what I am trying to teach him when we talk about corporal and spiritual works of mercy.

Doh. He is so right. Isn't this what I try to instill in my kids on the daily: We are called to serve one another.  We don't do things to gain recognition and credit. We serve others because it is what is right. He just remembered it better than I did.  I was both proud and humbled.

His reminder is coming at a time where I am feeling dismissed in my personal life.  I do try to live by the motto: We are called to serve one another. I bring meals to others,  take people to appointments, support behind the scenes, volunteer at school and activities and to do it without looking for accolades or recognition. And sometimes it does become overwhelming.  There are weeks where I am out of the house everyday because I am checking in on someone or providing a service and I have little time do the things needed for my own family. And there are weeks when things slow down and I'm not needed. And I love serving.  When all of my kids are in school full time I have discussed with my husband about several charities and organizations where I feel called to serve as a volunteer.

Me and my gaggle of kids

And I have to be completely transparent: there are times I am looking for that thank you or recognition because I feel that people see me solely as "that mom with all the kids" and I want to be known for more than that.  I have felt and heard the disgust when people realize that I have a brood and they feel the need to comment on my procreative activities (None of their business thankyouverymuch). I have also been told, "Oh, I didn't recognize you without all of your kids" on the rare occasions I've gone out solo. I have felt the dismissal because people do not see the value of staying home with my family and supporting my husband.  I remember the year that I had my third child. I frequently came to pick up the oldest from kindergarten with some new spit-up on my shoulder. I usually wore the same sweatshirt at pickup with my messy mom bun.  I was pushing a stroller with two kids in it to meet the oldest. A teacher, knowing that I was looking to connect with other moms suggested to a mom with a child in the same class that maybe she and I could connect and she flat out told him that she and her husband are educated and that they don't associate with those kinds of people. I  could only assume she meant me; The mom with the spit-up on her shoulder and disheveled clothes and the gaggle of kids in tow. She didn't bother to get to know me or know that I have a graduate degree in education.  All she saw was the efforts of my labor: tired mom with the messy clothes and the gaggle of kids.

Recently a principal I know asked me if I was willing to come back as a substitute.  He said they are waiting for me whenever I am ready and I have to admit that it felt damn good.  He said he can give me as many hours as I wanted. He said he knew my family was important to me and that I can be flexible.  This came at a time when I have felt dismissed, unappreciated, and undervalued.  Maybe it's up to me overcome those feelings, but sometimes it's hard to push through when no one sees you.  I am taking a class right now and my professor is totally dismissive. I thought maybe I was seeing something that wasn't there, but after three classes, he's definitely not a fan. And the unprovoked dislike is more than I can bear right now.

I'm not looking for sympathy.  I am sharing this because I'm transparent and I had to be reminded by my 13 yo that our work is greater than looking for recognition. I am hurting and feeling dismissed and my innocent son reminded me that I am called to serve others and not to look for recognition. He did not know that I needed to hear this right now.  My reward is not here on earth. The work that I do will hopefully continue after I'm gone. My goal is raise children who follow their faith, know that Jesus loves them, to serve Him by serving others, and to be kind. Saint Teresa of Calcutta reminds us, "We cannot all do great things. But we can do small things with great love."

 What things are you doing with great love?  And to those who are feeling dismissed, invisible, and unrecognized, peace be with you. You ARE doing great things, for without you, there would be less hope and less love. Continue to love.

Peace be with you.

Perspective

For the past few months I have had some health issues.  I was finally able to make it in for a doctor's appointment.  It was with a doctor that I have been with for years and I trust him.  We talked about my health and my concerns.  He proceeded with his examinations and we talked about next steps.  One of the steps was waiting for results.  I like him because while he is cautious and matter of fact, he is not an alarmist.  We talked through his thoughts and where he was headed in my healthcare. I appreciated all of it. And let me tell you 3 weeks to hear the results for something is a real freaking long time to wait! And fortunately the results came more quickly than that and all of my results were normal.  My doctor was able to address the issue in an office visit. But we're both keeping an eye on it and I'm supposed to call him if my issues come up again.

So while I waited I thought of next steps and long term.  I thought about my children and my husband and what I was going to do for different scenarios. I looked up my symptoms for the first week of waiting and then I let it go because worrying and perseverating were not going to get me anywhere and it only made me more anxious. That is not to say that I forgot about it, it was all in the back of my mind.  Waiting, wondering, and thinking of next steps.

But as I waited and wondered, I also approached my parenting, my care for my husband, and daily activities very differently.  The unknown made me more conscientious about how I was spending my time and how I interacted with people.  All the irritations and mild annoyances that plague daily life became less irritating and less annoying. I was facing bigger disruptions if my health issues weren't cleared up with a routine doctor's appointment.

In those three weeks I learned a few things:

Take a deep breath before answering my children when they were being fussy, rude, and hot messes. Usually they low blood sugar or needing to use the bathroom is to blame. Address those issues first and then everything else will usually fall into place.

Nothing is a big deal and most of the time a meal, a nap, going to the bathroom, or a time out with a good book will cure most of the woes...especially when it comes to children and low blood sugar.

There is no use worrying about something. Make plans for a plot twist in life, but don't worry.  Making plans is helpful and useful, worrying is not.

Spend time with the people who matter to you.  Friends and laughter will help with an anxious soul and help put worry aside, even if for a few hours.

And by the same token, don't waste time on people who do not add value to your life.  I spent some time unfollowing and unfriending people on social media.  I realized that their negativity was cluttering up my life in a way that is unhealthy for me.  I can choose who I spend time with and how I want to spend my time.  And some people are not worth the extra effort of scrolling through their images and negativity.  Buh-bye.

Keep going.  While I made adjustments to my perspective on everyday life, I didn't stop living it. I still got up every morning, made breakfast and lunches, did the laundry, menu planned, and I exercised.  I didn't tell the kids I was worried.  I just kept moving forward, but with a better attitude. I think they noticed.  I snuggled more, I read more books with them, and my answer was often: "Take a deep breath. It's not the end of the world. Let's step away from this right now and we'll go back to it in an hour. Go do something fun. Read a book. Eat a snack. Color. Be creative." You know what? That made a huge difference. My kiddos were able to go back later to whatever mini-crisis they were having and have a different perspective and accomplish something that seemed impossible earlier in the day.


Nothing puts life into perspective like having a health concern that may put you out of commission for a lonwhile or permanently.  I was scared stupid.  I wanted to talk to my friends and my sisters, but I also didn't have any information except it may be cancer or it may be absolutely nothing. So while I waited, I made plans with many friends, took an evening walk with my husband every night talking about the day, and hugged my kids extra long everyday.  Now that my health concerns have passed, I still do those things.  I'm making plans to spend more time with friends, I hug my kids extra long every single day, and I spend extra time with my husband with an evening stroll or sitting on the couch watching a favorite show.  It has been much easier to cull out what is the important thing I need to accomplish today: Love my family...and probably feed them ;p  Peace be with you.

"Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the action that we do.  If you want to bring happiness to the whole world, go home and love your family." 
--Mother Teresa

Lenten Journey

Good Friday is a day of contemplation, reflection, and fasting. I still think of myself as someone who is still fairly new to her faith. This Easter I am will be celebrating my 13th birthday in the Church but I am still learning and still growing in my faith. It is definitely a journey and not always an easy one. I am often convicted and then filled with grace as I listen to the homily and receive the Eucharist. There are times I leave Mass full of reflection and conviction and I strive to do better throughout the week: To love more, to forgive more easily, to be more patient, to live as an example of Jesus’ love, grace, and mercy. I am a sinner and while I do my best to live a good life filled with love and charity I make mistakes. I judge, do not easily forgive others, and I am not as patient as I should be with others. 

With that being said, I find that Lent gives me time for introspection, contemplation, reflection, and being open to grace. I have the hardest time with fasting. When people think of Lent they often think of giving up sweets and chocolate. And while that is how I initially started my journey 13 years ago starting with the “easier” things to give up, I have learned that fasting is not just giving up the sweet things it also means fasting from things that me less of the type of person I want to be. About 5 years ago we started fasting from television during Lent. It was really hard for me. I love television and the mental break it gives me from reality. But I found that my kids and I were too invested in the characters on the screen versus the people in real life. So we gave up television for Lent. It was hard the first time and has become easier each year. This year even the littlest one knew that we were giving up television and asked if we could play in the basement away from the tv on the first day of Lent because the temptation of asking to turn on the television would be too much. We spent a couple of hours in the basement. While I crocheted she played with her doll house and dollies making up stories for them. Giving up sweets and television are very tangible ways to practice fasting. 

 But there are the others ways to abstain and they are not as easy for me. I am also learning to abstain from judgmental thoughts and an unwillingness to forgive easily. I still struggle with fasting from social media, but I am learning that I need to give that one up more regularly. Too often I compare myself to others and lament my own inadequacies in my parenting journey. That is not a healthy place to be because most people only post the good things they want people to see. Other people post only the negative things that are affecting us. There needs to be a balance and I do not often see it on Facebook. There are a few pages that give me peace, grace, and balance and I try to stick with those. And can I say that #Catholictwitter has been kind of amazing this Lenten season? I started following priests, brothers, and nuns on Twitter. I almost never post on Twitter, but I have become enriched and more reflective by reading their tweets, especially during Holy Week. But they are not always so serious. They find humor in their chosen vocation. Knowing that they are not always serious, makes my own faith journey a little easier: To know that I can be silly and devout, to know that I can still hold onto my beliefs while loving others, to be forgiven when I sin. It’s a beautiful and sometimes arduous journey. 

This brings me back to today: Good Friday. A day in years past that was really difficult for me because I like food, I like sweets, I like being comfortable and Good Friday takes away all of that. It is in the uncomfortable that I find my true self and it’s not pretty. I am not a nice person when I am hangry and focused on hunger and food. I am not as patient and forgiving. I do not want to be contemplative and reflective. I want to eat. I want to feel comfortable. And I want my kids to fall in line. But I have learned over the years to offer it up. My kids will often hear me mutter to myself during Lent, “Just offer it up. OFFER.IT.UP.” It’s a little silly, but oh so true. Saying it aloud makes me try just a little bit harder. And also, my kids see Mama struggles sometime, but she tries and I think that’s a good example to give them. We are not perfect creatures and showing our children our own vulnerability will hopefully make them more open to understanding their mistakes, asking for forgiveness, and sometimes just offering up their struggles to Jesus because we need a little divine help in getting through this journey. 

Jesus sacrificed his life for ours so that we can have eternal salvation. It puts things in perspective for me. It makes me feel rather petty and small to be worried about my own comfort. And now, I look forward to these times of forced discomfort. Because let’s be real, sometimes we do not do things unless forced. And Lent and Good Friday is a good time to do things out of my comfort zone. It is a set time in my life to be more focused on what the kind of person I want to be for myself and for others. I’m not saying I can’t do this all year long, but as time goes by, I start to fall in my old habits and Lent becomes a time of growth and renewal. 

What does it mean to be "Light of the World"

Today I was reminded of my faith journey. Not only because of Good Friday, but because of the family faith lesson I did with my son on his journey to receive his first Eucharist. Today the lesson was “Be the Light!” My son and I read several instances in the Gospels where Jesus showed mercy and love to everyone, even to the ones that others thought were undeserving. My son was asked to list some ways he can be like Jesus and while he filled out his sheet, I thought brought back to my own thoughts of how I can live like a light into the world.

I have also started to look forward to attending the Stations of the Cross during Lent. Each time I attend I find something that speaks to me. Today it was Station 9 when Jesus falls the third time. The leader prayed from the booklet we use: The Way of the Cross,” …Almighty and eternal God, you permitted your Son to be weakened, crushed, and profaned so that He might rise from the dead freed from the ravages of sin. Help us to accept our weaknesses and failings as forerunners of our glorious resurrection in union with your Son.” Asking for help to accept our weaknesses and failings made me think of a recent story I shared about how I am learning to accept my mistakes and perceived failures and learning to recalculate when situations do not go as expected. Asking for help is powerful when facing trouble. 

There was a time I dreaded Lent and Good Friday and now I look forward to it. I look forward to this time where I can be introspective and learn not only to receive grace but also to give grace when I rather not.

As we turn the corner towards Easter how can I pray for you? How can we each be examples of God’s love and mercy especially in a time of political and social discord? How can we be a light unto one another when the rest of the world seems so negative. I wish you peace at this time. Please pray for me as we come to the end of our Lenten journey this year and that I may continue my journey towards peace, grace, and mercy. Peace be with you.

Be Amazed

Last weekend we went to visit my husband's aunt for a housewarming get together.  I love spending time with our extended family and I love any time that my kids get to spend time with any of their cousins.

While we were there my 16 year old nephew was sharing card tricks to the range of 3-12 year old cousins who were in attendance.  I happened to pass through to check on JellieBean when Buggy asked him to show me his card trick.  I dutifully sat down and gave him my utmost attention.  He did his card trick and I immediately let out a, "Whoah! That's cool!" He looked at me a little doubtfully at first, but there was no denying my sheer enjoyment.  He leaned back and said, "That's the reaction I wanted."  He waved towards his younger cousins and said, "They just sat there. They weren't amazed."  And his cousins nodded seriously and said, "Yeah. Now show her another one." They were just as entertained by my reaction.

My nephew showed me another card trick and was pleased by my reaction. He said that I was the audience he wanted to have and we made deal that he would learn a few new ones and he would show them to me at the next big family gathering. And it struck me, "Be amazed."  I think that phrase could be said about any of the simple pleasures in life. As I read through past posts on my blog I notice that the common thread is about time passing us by too quickly. I am almost trying to hold onto time, but it slips through like water in between by fingers.  I can't catch it and I can't hold on to it. But I can enjoy it while I have it.

The littles quickly figured out the card trick and offered to show me the secret and I declined.  I didn't want to know. I wanted to be "amazed." I spend so much of my life trying to coordinate and organize my family of six that most of the time I don't take the time or feel that I have the time to be amazed. I only see my to do list and I keep pushing through.

One of the neat things about having more than one child and especially having four is that by the time the next one comes around you are a little more confident in your parenting abilities that you can absolutely enjoy the time you have with your kids. Or if you have one kid, as time goes on you realize, "You've got this" and you can relax and enjoy time with your kid and not worrying about every little thing.  I have a friend who makes the most of every minute she has with her kids. They are always going on adventures even if it's to the little beach by their house. They are looking at seashells, little creatures, enjoying the feel of sand or water between their toes.  She clutches to those small moments in time because when she at work, she has to be 100% percent on the job as a labor and delivery nurse and in that job, time is of the essence. I have another friend who works mad hours and I scroll through her instagram pictures of her time at the park, out for a meal, or out for a run with her little one.  And there are times I feel like I should be doing more of that; Just enjoying time with the kiddos and to be amazed at our surroundings and the new skills they have and want to share with me.

Peter reminded me to "be amazed" with the small pleasures.  As I sit here waiting for my JellieBean to be released from preschool, I am enjoying the clicking of the keys as I type, I'm watching the falling leaves outside my window, and I am enjoying the contented feeling of drinking a rare hot mug of tea.  I don't have to be anywhere immediately. I can take a breath and reflect. My preschooler's advice might be the best one given today, "Enjoy your time with Daddy while I'm at preschool." Even at three years old she has unlocked the secret to happiness: "Enjoy your time."

So as we hurtle through the weekend and all the activities it holds: What will amaze you?

"So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad.  Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun." Ecclesiastes 8:15 (NIV)

Slowing Down

Oh, how I wish I would talk to my younger self, 11+ years and 4 babies ago, sitting with that brand new baby and say, "Nothing matters, but spending time with your little one.  He'll sleep through the night. He'll potty train. He'll learn to dress himself."  Here I am with "baby" number four and she isn't really a baby anymore. She decided at 18 months that she wanted to potty train and before her third birthday she successfully potty trained, mostly from her own doing  She's also dressing herself and getting into her seat at the kitchen table all by herself.  Where did the time go?  As I look ahead to next year and considering preschool programs, I find myself slowing down.  And the more I want to slow down, the faster the time goes. I feel like that's the theme for this blog.  Time just gets faster the more I want to slow it down and #babiesdontkeep.

When baby #1 came around I was so unprepared. Of course I read all the baby books and took the nursing class and the infant classes.  I had been around babies.  I babysit all through high school and even a little through college. But nothing, nothing, prepared me what I was in for.  The sleepless nights, crying babies who couldn't be soothed, the Aspergers/autism diagnosis for one my children, the joy I felt when they called me by name the first time, the exhaustion I felt when they don't stop calling my name while I'm in the bathroom. 

Now, with baby #4 I know what to expect. By the time she came around, I knew that she could sleep in the same room with us in a co-sleeper and we'd both sleep better. I knew that switching to formula for her to gain weight was not the end of bonding because she needed more than nursing.  I knew that she'd eventually potty-train and probably before I was ready. And I knew that she'd be on the go and that I'd never catch up once she started walking.  And now all I want to do is savor every cuddle.  On a recent trip to a crafts store to pick up materials for a project, Beanie decided that she wanted to push the cart up and down the aisle.  Nine years ago, I would have been frazzled with 2 kids under 3 and there is no way I would have let my 3 year old push the cart.  I also probably wouldn't be leisurely wandering up and down the aisles of a crafts store looking for materials for a project that I wanted to do. 

It's always easier to do things for our kids. Put their shoes on, put on their jackets, hold their backpacks, push them in the stroller so they aren't walking ever so slowly while we are in a mad rush to get to school on time.  My husband has always been so much better than I have been with teaching the kids to become independent.  He taught the first three kids how to dress themselves. He taught the older two how to get their own breakfast cereal in the morning and how to cook oatmeal in the microwave. And I am grateful.  He helped me by teaching our children how to do things for themselves. He was the youngest of five and learned how to be independent. Like in any large family, his siblings helped him and he learned to do things on his own. I came from a small family and my mom graciously did a lot of things for me.  It wasn't until I lived on my own in college that I learned to do laundry and how to cook.  And I could only make about 3 meals when I got married. Fortunately, I've learned a few more since then.

And as I sit here contemplating that the last one started preschool today and that I started writing this post 9 months ago, I have not slowed down too much. In fact not only haven't I slowed down, but neither has time.  I'm sitting here feeling a little guilty that I am going to sit and take time to write and work on some personal goals. I have exactly 90 minutes to do that. Once Beanie gets home from preschool it will be business as usual: chores, errands, making dinner, coordinating the family calendar, and the usual to-do list.  But this 90 minutes is mine to slow down, take stock, reflect, and renewal. #thisis40

Proverbs 16:9  In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.

Almost Wordless Wednesday--Running Buddy

My son and I after his first 10K

Within the last year, my oldest has taken up running races with me.  Usually it entails him rolling out of bed minutes before I leave, scarfing down a quick breakfast, and totally smoking me in the race.  At the end of his first race he said, "Mama, where were you? I was waiting for you and I was getting a little worried because you were taking so long!"  Yeah, kid, I run a LOT slower than you do!

Ever since that first 5K race, we realized that he is a natural runner and has run several 5Ks, a 5-miler, and most recently a 10K with me. And by "with me" I mean, we travel together, the starter goes off, and he's gone.  Several times he has said that he'll start with me and then take off. Hasn't happened yet. I think the adrenaline gets to him and he's gone.

I registered him for rec Cross Country. He only has to run a mile and I told him that it was good for him to work on his speed work.  We have a 5K to sign up for and I realize that it is less than 10 days away and I really should sign up for it ASAP!  I am happy to have a running buddy and that my sweet boy has found something that he enjoys.  He enjoys the race and his aunt made him an awesome bib hanger/chalkboard where he can write down his race times. I love that this is something that he and I can do this together. I strive to look for something to do with each of my children and to partake in their interests. Whether it's racing with #1, coloring in our favorite coloring books with #2, playing legos with #3, or watching Cinderella over and over again with #4. As they age, I'm sure their interests will change and I hope I can keep up.

First Week of School 2017

We are finishing up the first week of school.  I think in some ways I was more nervous than the kids.  We have a new schedule with the oldest starting middle school. He is on his way to the bus stop by the time I wake up the other kids.  He is probably finishing up first period before we even walk out the door to make it school.  Hubby has committed to taking Boogs to the bus stop in the morning which is a huge help.  I have even been able to work out a few mornings before I had to wake up the house.  I even had breakfast every single morning before I took the middle kids to school. This is a huge win because there are many  mornings where I have walked out the door without breakfast only to realize I'm starving at the end of my workout.

Boogie has had a pretty good week. He did forget his binder yesterday and Hubby came back to the house to grab it and made it back just in time before Boogie grabbed the bus.  I don't think I have mentioned it before but Boogie has been diagnosed with a learning disability and has an IEP. The last two years have been difficult with a case manager who just didn't do her job and this is by her own admission during a transition meeting. I mean, Seriously????  Already this year, Boogie's case manager has contacted me every day about things here and there and has checked in with him every.single.day.  She has made the transition to middle much smoother.  Boogie struggles with organization and executive functioning. As a result he has already forgotten to turn in his summer homework and has started cramming papers in his backpack. She has already started working with him on his organization. Amazing. It's like night and day between last year's case manager and this year's case manager.

Buggy is starting 3rd grade and we're blessed that she has fantastic teacher.  Boogie had her in 3rd grade and we are thrilled to be with the same teacher this year.  Buggy has just a few friends in her class this year. That will be a challenge, but she does get to see the rest of her friends during recess. She is already looking forward to signing up for her favorite after school art class and this year she wants to join the chess club.  Yes, to all of this!

Mr. Bananas had a much harder transition.  We were thrilled to find out that he has another fantastic teacher.  She taught Buggy in first grade and we are thrilled to have another kid in her class this year. Even though he had the teacher he wanted, I knew something was up when Mr. Bananas ended up in our bed every night since coming back from the beach.  The morning on the first day of school was atrocious as he woke up in a terrible mood, screaming at us, slamming doors, and basically losing his mind.  I knew it was just anxiety, but my patience was up when he slammed his bedroom door and I found him sitting in bed reading a book instead of getting ready for school.  He pulled it together and ended up have a great day. He hasn't been in our bed since, so it's safe to assume that he's more comfortable with starting first grade.

I think Beanie has had the hardest time.  All of her favorite playmates are in school and she is the last one at home. She so desperately wants to go to school.  After we dropped off all the kids at school. I went upstairs to get something and found her sitting on the floor facing the tv, which was turned off, rubbing her blanket and crying quietly.  When we snuggled she told me she missed her "sib-bings."

As the week has gone on, the mornings are smoother, and I'm finding that the earlier wake up time with the first born is allowing me to get a little bit more done during the day, whether it's an early morning work out, washing all the dishes, or putting in a load of laundry.  I miss my big kids, but I know that they are in good hands.  I'm relishing my mornings with the "baby" and looking forward to getting more done during the day.

It's Friday so tonight will be a yummy dinner followed by family movie night.  Boogie and I will get up early tomorrow for his first cross country practice and we are all enjoying a rare quiet weekend before all of the weekend activities begin in the next couple of weeks.   We're still transitioning which means tired kids, earlier bedtimes, and a quiet-ish weekend. And as I write this, Hubby has nixed family movie night because the kiddos are so tired.  We'll try for tomorrow night.

As the school week draws to an end, I am grateful for all the teachers who work so hard to provide an positive learning environment for their students.  I am grateful for the teachers who have my most precious babies in their classes.  I am grateful for the the administrations that support their teachers. Here is to a happy and healthy new school year.  Peace be with you.

Third grade and first grade, here they come!

Buggy, ready for 3rd grade

She was all smiles until she realized that they were leaving her 

"I miss my sib-bings"

After school picture. They came home with smiles.

Enjoying an after school ice cream treat.

Babies Don't Keep

Family pic with my parents

 We've only been home 4 days since coming home from our beach trip. And already, I am busy with appointments, prepping for the first week of school, fielding email, and honestly, just sucked into social media (bleh!)  Social media really is my weak spot. I like catching up with what's going on with my friends, but I'm finding myself losing time.

Last week was wonderful week spent with my parents and my father-in-law.  I loved this multi-generational beach vacation. It meant that my children were able to spend some quality time with their grandparents. And as close as we live to my parents, I wish my kiddos were able to spend time with them a little more. My father just retired, so maybe we'll get to him more often. And no, I don't mean for babysitting. I mean just to see him and spend time with him.  My mom still works full-time, so that's a little harder.

Grandpa and the kiddos

One of the best parts of our vacation is that we do not turn on the tv and I spend way less time on my phone.  I ran almost every single day of vacation and it was glorious.  During the week we put together a puzzle, went out for ice cream, browsed the local bookstore, and listened to audiobooks while playing games. My kids had so much fun playing Uno. The giggles were great. We also did one night of Settlers of Catan.  I swear my big kid really draws out the game because he likes to negotiate every time it's his turn. It drives me a little batty. But overall, it's a good time had by all.

And it's during vacation that my big kids get up without complaint to catch a sunrise. My dad started this tradition last year. And yes, it's becoming a tradition. The big kids like that they get this special time with Lolo and Lola.  It's so special to them that they don't want me to miss it so my Buggy asks me to catch a sunrise with her on another day.  I thought she had forgotten this year, but sure enough two days before we left she asked me if we could catch the sunrise. She even invited her older brother along.  It was so worth it.  We headed to the beach. I saw that it was cloudy, but we got to see the sunrise and it was glorious.  I appreciate that my sweet daughter thinks of me and tries to make me slow down and appreciate the here and now. She encourages me to be present even though my mind is racing with all the things on my "to-do" list.

On the last morning, I had woken up early. I planned to finish packing up the house and getting it ready. I was relishing a little quiet time before I had to wake up the house.  But sure enough, my sweet daughter was already awake. We opted to eat breakfast together on the back stoop and we spend our time chatting. I asked her how she felt about the impending school year. While she is excited to have the teacher she wanted, she was nervous about some of her academic struggles.  We were able to go through them, talk about them, and come up with some ways to address them this school year.  If I had gotten to eat breakfast solo as I had anticipated, I would have missed this precious time with my girl. It was time she needed with me to reassure her, to comfort her, and for her to have one-on-one time with Mama.  It was so good to spend that time with her.

As my kids start another school year: 6th grade (read: MIDDLE SCHOOL...EEEK!), 3rd grade, and 1st grade, I'm really starting to feel my time with my kids slowly slipping away.  I'm way too busy and I'm way to preoccupied with what needs to be done.  Being at the beach gives me that opportunity to slow down.  But that is only one week.  In the next two weeks, my kids will begin their fall activities. Their Saturdays will be filled with meets and games and their evenings filled with homework.  Somehow, through all that, I need to find carve out time to be present and to be with them.  Thankfully, we sit down for dinner together every night. Hubby is trying to make it home earlier, but most nights it's just me and the kids.  And I am grateful for this sliver of time to be with them and to hear about their day.  When they say "Babies Don't Keep" they weren't kidding.  May you find time for the people you love and to be present for tomorrow doesn't keep.

True Love

Always my Superman

My husband and I recently celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary.  We were babies when we were married.  Just graduated from college and working real salaried jobs.  I remember Hubby's father interviewing us before our wedding asking if we knew what we were getting into, to which I replied with, "Of course." He said the real answer is, "No. No we don't."  He was so right. We thought we knew what we were in for, but really we had no clue. I don't know if anyone really knows.  Were we ready, yes. But did we really comprehend what we were doing. Heck no.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions and events over the last 16 years.  And yet, 16 years later, we would still do it all over again.  It was the right decision then, and it's still the right decision now.

When sharing my experiences about true love with some of the teens/young adults that I mentor, I tell them that true love is not flowers and fancy dinners.  True love is your spouse washing vomit filled sheets at two in the morning.  It's tag teaming each other when every single person in your family of six has the stomach flu and no one feels well and everyone is vomiting. You take turns sleeping and cleaning out vomit buckets. It's finding out your 8yo came home with a head full of lice, stripping all the sheets, treating everyone's head, and then picking nits out of each other's head at midnight.  It's looking across the dinner table and laughing at an untold joke. It's being able to read each other so well that few words are needed.

True love is not the fancy stuff, it's the nitty gritty life stuff and doing it together. It's knowing that you can rely on your spouse and that your spouse can depend on you.  I wouldn't give up the last 16 years and I look forward to many more of life's adventures with the love of my life.  It doesn't have to be fancy. It just has to be with him.

Where do I Fit? I Don't Know.

I know. I  have written sporadically. I actually do keep up on The Discombobulated Mommy Facebook page.  It's not every day, but I still keep up and share pictures.  These days, I rarely find the time to sit and write out full blog posts. I miss it.  I miss writing regularly. I have so much I need to record and yet, life keeps me busy and I have so little to time reflect, ponder, and absorb. Maybe that's what I need to do more.

So what has prompted me to write this current post?  I just found out via Facebook, that I am a bit of a unicorn.  Yes. A unicorn. I find that I don't ever quite fit neatly into a label.  I'm too liberal for my conservative friends and I am far too conservative for my liberal friends.  Often I scroll through Facebook and I cringe and scroll on when I read such posts as: "All Christians believe..." "All Pro-lifers don't..." "All Republicans are..." Fill in the blank.  Usually when posts lump you in with "all" it's not a good thing.  Although I consider myself a writer, I don't feel that I am always articulate. Passionate, yes. Articulate, no. And therefore I rarely jump into the social media arguments.

So about 3 years ago, on Facebook, I posted a link to an inflammatory article about Planned Parenthood and those who support it.  I posted the article because of the very last sentence, "We have to care." That was the one line that truly resonated with me.  I was raked over the virtual coals by friends who were insulted and incensed by what I had chosen to post and I was asked to think very carefully about my audience and maybe I just shouldn't post those types of things. Most people didn't read the article because they were so ticked by headline.  After 3 days of going back and forth on Facebook on this one particular post, a lot of good discussion came out of it though in the end we still agreed to disagree.  Three years later, I am still hurt by what people said to me and how harshly they said it.  My heart still pounds when I think of that article and my face still flushes with embarrassment.  I never meant to insult anyone and fortunately one of my friends (who still disagreed with the article) pointed that out.  I am frustrated with myself for not being as articulate as I wanted to be and having such a thin skin and not standing up for myself a little better.

So I bring you to today.  In two days we will have a new President.  There has been a lot of frustration and anger as what our country has done by electing Donal Trump as our new president. And speaking with friends, many didn't vote for him or for Hillary Clinton.  I was frustrated that the candidates I wanted to vote for weren't around by the time it came for my state to put in their vote. So I was left with two people who I felt did not represent me. But I still voted.  As per usual, I voted with an significant issue in mind.  I voted for life. I voted for a possible third party candidate who had a pro-life platform.  Alas, he did not win. But at least I tried. I voted.

The day after the Presidential Inauguration, there will be Women's March.  Many of my friends started posting about it and how they wanted to be a part of it. I warily looked into. So many good reasons to go. So many voices to be heard. So many important topics to support and I would be proud to support them.  But again, I watched the posts on Facebook from several friends and groups. I was invited, along with others, to walk with local women, many of them personal friends. And yet, I hesitated.  I continued to watch, read, and listen.  And more and more I felt like I didn't quite belong.  You see, and what you have probably have already deduced is that I am a pro-life woman.  And at the time that the beginning preparations for the march were happening, that probably didn't matter.  So what?  But you see, as a pro-life woman, it is often asked why wouldn't one support women's rights? How could I, as a woman, not support other women?  But did you know that you can still be a feminist and be pro-life?  And actually, I wasn't sure if you could.  I knew that I was, but I knew others wouldn't consider me a feminist, so I doubted my existence.  I allowed other people to label me and set me aside solidly into one camp. It didn't bother in the sense that I was still going to support women's rights, but I would also support the rights of the pre-born.

Over the last few months I have read personal heart-wrenching stories from women about why they are grateful abortion is legal and why late-term abortion should be legal.  I wept.  I wavered in my position. I wondered and still do if there can't be a better way to support these women so that they don't have to go through still-births, horrific miscarriages, and instances where they felt that abortion was the only possible choice for them.  And I don't have an answer.  It doesn't mean I've stopped looking for one. But it does mean that I am working harder at supporting women at all stages.  Being pro-life means that we look at the whole and not just the birth of the baby. It means supporting the mamas who have made the decision to keep their babies even though their circumstances were less than ideal.  Being pro-life means providing better and affordable health care for women and the men and families who support them.  Being pro-life means, advocating for better mental health care. This one hits personally as I am who struggles, sometimes daily, with depression.  A depression that can be so profound that it has tipped to the side of suicidal thoughts as recently as two years ago.  How can I be pro-life while at the same time contemplating my own suicide.  Paradoxical isn't it?  It happens. Again, I don't fit into any one box.

We so often link pro-life advocacy and pro-choice advocacy as if they go hand in hand. But pro-life is more than just the birth of a baby.  It is  the support of life throughout various physical and mental challenges, and I am talking about the every day person, not just infants.  And I believe that being pro-choice is more than just abortion. You may disagree with me. And that's okay. Which brings me to my point.

Women are angry and frustrated with the politics surround them.  They want to march in Washington, Chicago, New York, and wherever a group of women can get together and support their ideals and values.  We want you to HEAR us. But I unfortunately found out through social media that I don't exist because I can't be pro-life and a feminist, and because I don't exist, I don't have a voice. And that is frustrating to me. So I won't be marching.  Organizers have decided to make a pro-choice platform a very big one and as a result have dissolved a partnership from one of the pro-life feminist groups who applied and was granted partnership for the march.. Oh, wait, you didn't know that there were pro-life feminists groups?  Neither did I until recently and that is when I found out that I was unicorn.  That there are others like me who feel strongly about women's issues AND the life of the pre-born.  But I digress. I am sad and frustrated to know that we as women, have alienated one another at a time we should be walking in solidarity. That we are not allowing every voice to be heard in partnership with the march.  Yes, the pro-life feminist groups will still march in solidarity. But they will not be considered a partner. And that is is to me a sad commentary of what this election has done to our country. It has divided us when we should be united.  Let us be heard.  Let all the voices carry weight.  And let us do it with compassion, empathy, and grace.

As I struggled about what I could do and what I wanted to do and how I wanted to approach the post election days and years to come, I know that I wanted to still be a voice.  So, I personally have decided to put my head down and work.  Work to help others. I will choose to be kind, to support other people, and to work for social justice. I realize that I don't need to be loud. That's not necessarily my personality either. But I can still donate diapers and wipes to the pregnancy center. I can make baby blankets for new babies. Afghans for new mamas. I can provide meals for a homeless shelter. I can provide food for a food pantry. I can bring my children and teach them do the same.  And we do it in solidarity. We do it to provide support in whatever way we can.  Sometimes quiet servitude is all that it is needed. There will always be someone more articulate, louder, more knowledgeable than I am. So instead of being flustered or insulted or labeled, I will simply be Heather. A mother. A wife. A writer. A slow runner. A person who is often discombobulated and lacks organization or the ability to keep to a schedule.  A person who will always struggle to know the value of her self-worth, but will work at it each and every day. A person with great passion. And I will try to remember to do small things with great love. And I humbly ask each of you: no matter what you believe in, please approach each day with great love and compassion. We are called to serve one another. I think we will find that when we serve one another, we will begin to unify and heal our hurting country.

As Always, very humbly yours,
Heather, The Discombobulated Mommy