What Will my Children Remember?

I'm still grappling with my diagnosis of HER2+ breast cancer. I haven't made it public on social media and I'm just starting to share it here.  I have so many emotions that envelope me. There are good days and there are bad days. There are days I feel like a warrior and there are days that I just want to snuggle in and hunker down and ride out the wave of grief and terror in the safety of my family room couch.  A lot of my emotions are tied to how my diagnosis and illness affect my children.  It's always been about my children.  I find that writing about my journey, my fears, my thoughts helps me to process all of it.  And sometimes it just too big for me.  I have big feelings and always have. My concern is how to allow my feelings to come out and how it affects my children. I don't want to scare them, but if I don't show some of the hardships, then it is a lie.

Most of the time when people ask "How are you?" I tell them the standard answer: fatigued.  Fatigue is a safe answer.  People are okay with that answer. They can understand fatigue.  But not all of them understand the terror or the rage. I reserve those answers for my husband during the long evening walks around the neighborhood. I don't have to hide my feelings from him. He lets me cry and yell and throw things.  I also share my real struggles with a friend who has undergone the pain of breast cancer.  She doesn't chastise me for being angry.  She doesn't tell me that I can't be angry.  She tells me straight on: "Dude, it's sucks." And while she won't let me pity myself, she also doesn't tell me it's going to be easy or that it's all going to be okay, but because we quite frankly don't know.  She sends the virtual hug and raises a glass to me and stands with me in solidarity.

And through it all, I am still in shock that I have breast cancer. I also know that I can frame this experience for my children.  The world is in a standstill right now. We're all sheltering at home. In some ways this makes it easier, because then we don't have to worry as much about the germs that we can bring in from the outside and we have a better control of what we touch or who we interact with. For my husband, it's the grocery store.  For me it's the lab for the weekly blood draws and the oncology nurses and the reclining chair for my weekly infusions.  It's much harder to rein in four children who would interact with easily a hundred people in a given day if they were attending school.  So I'm grateful that they are home. They understand the seriousness of my illness and to their credit, not one of them has complained about having to stay home.

We've spent our time watching movies, working on puzzles, coloring, listening to books, reading books, and cooking s'mores over the fire pit.  My children have seen the fatigue, the naps, and the tears. I hope that's not the only thing they see and I write about it here: What will my Children Remember?

It's a journey. I'm still processing. And through it all I'm just as discombobulated as ever.

New Perspectives

I have been working on my writing journey.  Last year my story "Running Full Circle" was published in Chicken Soup for the Soul.  (Happy Dance!) It was such a thrill to have a story published.  Since then, I have been dedicating time to my craft when the littlest one was in preschool. It was all a precursor to next year where I would have more time to write. I was using the 3-4 hours a week I had available to write.  I've continued to submit my work, and have another story that has been accepted and due to the current situation with COVID-19, the publishers are waiting to have it go out to the masses. When it does, I'll make sure to post it here and let you know.

As you know, the world has changed tremendously. The kids are home full time and are getting their education via distance learning.  Our house has more laptops than seems normal.  Time that was dedicated to writing is now used for supporting the kids while they learn from home, figuring out our new normal, and I really need to drop the "new" because now after 8 weeks it's just "normal."  I'm not writing as often as I would like and when even when I can it is punctuated with doctor's appointments and fatigue.

While I wait for my next story to be submitted (details to come!) I decided to write for Medium.  If you are not sure what that means, Medium is an online platform for reading stories from all around the world.  It also makes a way for writers to share their work. I took the plunge and published an article I've been working on.

Here it is if you'd like to read it: Cancer in Quarantine: Perspectives

 I have so much more to say on the topic, but my thoughts are still simmering.

Yes

Yesterday, as we were driving home from errands my youngest sidekick as me if I liked to taking care of all of them all the time. Without hesitation I said, "Yes!" And you're thinking, of course you said, "yes" why wouldn't you? Because there was a time I would have hesitated and I would have cried and felt guilty about crying. Motherhood is hard. It's freaking hard. I was a teacher before I was a mother and I was a good teacher. I loved my students and I built a rapport with them. So much so, that I am still in regular contact with at least two of them. I've been out of the classroom for 11 years and I still get excited when I see or speak to a former student and they tell me how they're doing.

But my little one's question brought me such joy because I could honestly answer yes when I don't think I would have said it in the early years of motherhood. Motherhood was not an easy transition for me. I struggled with postpartum depression. As I was transitioning into motherhood I was transitioning out of job because I felt the job and the those in charge hated me. For years I struggled with the question, "Am I good enough?" Was I good enough mother? Was I good enough wife? Was I a good enough teacher? Forget being a good enough daughter, sister, or friend. I couldn't extend myself that far. I cried regularly because I felt like a failure in every part of my life.

A friend recently told me that when I quit teaching I put all of my energy into being the best mother. But I don't think she realized at the time how much I struggled and for how long I struggled. It took me about 8 years for me to become comfortable with being a stay at home mom and to think I was doing something right. Because I didn't. I never thought I did anything right. My husband saw my anxiety and concern and my sweet man tried his darnedest to make me see that I was doing just fine. And thank goodness for therapy. Therapy is not a bad word. My doctor helped me see what I couldn't and she taught me how to give myself grace.

This is a year of transitions for me. My oldest is applying to high schools programs, my second is applying to middle school programs, my third is applying to another elementary school program, and my youngest will be starting kindergarten in less than a year. Finally, when I feel like I have a handle on motherhood, one by one they are each finding their independence. It's so bittersweet. Each of them are tiptoeing out on their own and I feel like that mama bird who pushes her babies out of the nest encouraging them to fly.

This week my oldest has been in New York City with a school group.  We sent him with prayers and hugs, money, the necessities he needed (clothes, deodorant, body wash, books), and without a cell phone (the horror!). He doesn't own a cell phone nor has he asked for one. He was with a large group and his chaperone (whom we adore and trust!) kept me in the loop daily (thank you, C!!!). And through her pictures and texts I saw my boy grow. He will come back a different person. He will still stink, roll his eyes at me, and be embarrassed by me, but he will be a little more independent, a little more mature, and a little more willing to take a few more steps out on his own. It's moments like these where I think maybe I've done something right.

It will be weird for me to learn how to live my life without a constant sidekick. This year is a practice run while JellieBean goes to preschool a whopping 5 hours a week. I will finally have time to run, write, run errands, and volunteer without a constant hand to hold, to receive a snuggle and a hug when I least expect it, and a little voice in my ear asking me what we are doing next. (Did you notice I didn't mention the house or laundry?)

When I asked JellieBean why she asked me if I liked taking care of them she said, "I never asked you before and I was just wondering. I think you like it, but I wanted to make sure." It's been a long time coming for me to be comfortable in this place in my life. To see my value as a stay at home mom, a wife, and mother. I love that JellieBean asked me and I could answer her in the affirmative. I want to be a positive role model for my kids. I want my girls to see that motherhood is an honorable vocation and not a chore. I want my sons to see motherhood (and fatherhood) is a blessing and to support their future wives if she decides she would like to stay home and raise their children.

I am so happy I said yes, even when I was scared. While I am a little crazed right now looking at new schools for the kids and helping them fill out their applications and find their testing dates, I know that this is but a short moment in time. In less than a year they will all be out of the house more than they are in it. I will start my new adventure in finding out who I am without a constant sidekick. I will have the strength to let go and let them tiptoe out on their own, while being there to anchor and guide them as needed. I'm glad I said, "yes."

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies." --Mother Teresa

Humbled by my Middle Schooler

Wise beyond his years

My son and I had a recent conversation that humbled me.  Our school district requires students to perform at least 75 hours of community service. They have to fill out a form, have it signed by the coordinator, and remember to turn in said form.  Service hours are counted beginning in middle school and are collected through senior year of high school.  The schools offer service hours and also have them incorporated in lessons. For example a class lesson might be a field trip to do a stream clean up.  My son is in 8th grade. This happens to be the same year that he will be confirmed in our church.  His Religious Education coordinator told the students that it is expected to do community service hours to support our parish in three ways: individually, with the family, and with fellow religious education students/community. She said that she expected them to do it and no, she will not collect forms, sign forms, or count hours. She is going to trust them to complete the required community service. They will take time throughout the year to discuss the work they are doing and the value of the work they are doing. Several of the students were put off by the concept of not being recognized by the work they were doing.

Maybe I'm doing something right?

Go back to my conversation with my 8th grader. He has completed his 75 hours of community service required by the school system. He's turned in the required paperwork and I can see online that it's been counted.  He said he's done and he's not filling out another form.  I started to argue with him that he can keep doing community service and why not fill out the form? He'll be recognized at high school graduation for doing more!  He still has 4 years and the rest of 8th grade to rack up the hours!  And this is where he stopped me and humbled me.  He said, "Mom, just because I don't fill out the forms, doesn't mean I won't continue to help the community or our parish. I just don't see the point in tracking the hours. I've completed my hours, but it doesn't mean I'm done helping." And then he proceeded to list where is going to help and when.  He has a plan. He had one all along and I missed it.  I missed it because I was looking for the accolades and the recognition. And he is doing exactly what I am trying to teach him when we talk about corporal and spiritual works of mercy.

Doh. He is so right. Isn't this what I try to instill in my kids on the daily: We are called to serve one another.  We don't do things to gain recognition and credit. We serve others because it is what is right. He just remembered it better than I did.  I was both proud and humbled.

His reminder is coming at a time where I am feeling dismissed in my personal life.  I do try to live by the motto: We are called to serve one another. I bring meals to others,  take people to appointments, support behind the scenes, volunteer at school and activities and to do it without looking for accolades or recognition. And sometimes it does become overwhelming.  There are weeks where I am out of the house everyday because I am checking in on someone or providing a service and I have little time do the things needed for my own family. And there are weeks when things slow down and I'm not needed. And I love serving.  When all of my kids are in school full time I have discussed with my husband about several charities and organizations where I feel called to serve as a volunteer.

Me and my gaggle of kids

And I have to be completely transparent: there are times I am looking for that thank you or recognition because I feel that people see me solely as "that mom with all the kids" and I want to be known for more than that.  I have felt and heard the disgust when people realize that I have a brood and they feel the need to comment on my procreative activities (None of their business thankyouverymuch). I have also been told, "Oh, I didn't recognize you without all of your kids" on the rare occasions I've gone out solo. I have felt the dismissal because people do not see the value of staying home with my family and supporting my husband.  I remember the year that I had my third child. I frequently came to pick up the oldest from kindergarten with some new spit-up on my shoulder. I usually wore the same sweatshirt at pickup with my messy mom bun.  I was pushing a stroller with two kids in it to meet the oldest. A teacher, knowing that I was looking to connect with other moms suggested to a mom with a child in the same class that maybe she and I could connect and she flat out told him that she and her husband are educated and that they don't associate with those kinds of people. I  could only assume she meant me; The mom with the spit-up on her shoulder and disheveled clothes and the gaggle of kids in tow. She didn't bother to get to know me or know that I have a graduate degree in education.  All she saw was the efforts of my labor: tired mom with the messy clothes and the gaggle of kids.

Recently a principal I know asked me if I was willing to come back as a substitute.  He said they are waiting for me whenever I am ready and I have to admit that it felt damn good.  He said he can give me as many hours as I wanted. He said he knew my family was important to me and that I can be flexible.  This came at a time when I have felt dismissed, unappreciated, and undervalued.  Maybe it's up to me overcome those feelings, but sometimes it's hard to push through when no one sees you.  I am taking a class right now and my professor is totally dismissive. I thought maybe I was seeing something that wasn't there, but after three classes, he's definitely not a fan. And the unprovoked dislike is more than I can bear right now.

I'm not looking for sympathy.  I am sharing this because I'm transparent and I had to be reminded by my 13 yo that our work is greater than looking for recognition. I am hurting and feeling dismissed and my innocent son reminded me that I am called to serve others and not to look for recognition. He did not know that I needed to hear this right now.  My reward is not here on earth. The work that I do will hopefully continue after I'm gone. My goal is raise children who follow their faith, know that Jesus loves them, to serve Him by serving others, and to be kind. Saint Teresa of Calcutta reminds us, "We cannot all do great things. But we can do small things with great love."

 What things are you doing with great love?  And to those who are feeling dismissed, invisible, and unrecognized, peace be with you. You ARE doing great things, for without you, there would be less hope and less love. Continue to love.

Peace be with you.

Perspective

For the past few months I have had some health issues.  I was finally able to make it in for a doctor's appointment.  It was with a doctor that I have been with for years and I trust him.  We talked about my health and my concerns.  He proceeded with his examinations and we talked about next steps.  One of the steps was waiting for results.  I like him because while he is cautious and matter of fact, he is not an alarmist.  We talked through his thoughts and where he was headed in my healthcare. I appreciated all of it. And let me tell you 3 weeks to hear the results for something is a real freaking long time to wait! And fortunately the results came more quickly than that and all of my results were normal.  My doctor was able to address the issue in an office visit. But we're both keeping an eye on it and I'm supposed to call him if my issues come up again.

So while I waited I thought of next steps and long term.  I thought about my children and my husband and what I was going to do for different scenarios. I looked up my symptoms for the first week of waiting and then I let it go because worrying and perseverating were not going to get me anywhere and it only made me more anxious. That is not to say that I forgot about it, it was all in the back of my mind.  Waiting, wondering, and thinking of next steps.

But as I waited and wondered, I also approached my parenting, my care for my husband, and daily activities very differently.  The unknown made me more conscientious about how I was spending my time and how I interacted with people.  All the irritations and mild annoyances that plague daily life became less irritating and less annoying. I was facing bigger disruptions if my health issues weren't cleared up with a routine doctor's appointment.

In those three weeks I learned a few things:

Take a deep breath before answering my children when they were being fussy, rude, and hot messes. Usually they low blood sugar or needing to use the bathroom is to blame. Address those issues first and then everything else will usually fall into place.

Nothing is a big deal and most of the time a meal, a nap, going to the bathroom, or a time out with a good book will cure most of the woes...especially when it comes to children and low blood sugar.

There is no use worrying about something. Make plans for a plot twist in life, but don't worry.  Making plans is helpful and useful, worrying is not.

Spend time with the people who matter to you.  Friends and laughter will help with an anxious soul and help put worry aside, even if for a few hours.

And by the same token, don't waste time on people who do not add value to your life.  I spent some time unfollowing and unfriending people on social media.  I realized that their negativity was cluttering up my life in a way that is unhealthy for me.  I can choose who I spend time with and how I want to spend my time.  And some people are not worth the extra effort of scrolling through their images and negativity.  Buh-bye.

Keep going.  While I made adjustments to my perspective on everyday life, I didn't stop living it. I still got up every morning, made breakfast and lunches, did the laundry, menu planned, and I exercised.  I didn't tell the kids I was worried.  I just kept moving forward, but with a better attitude. I think they noticed.  I snuggled more, I read more books with them, and my answer was often: "Take a deep breath. It's not the end of the world. Let's step away from this right now and we'll go back to it in an hour. Go do something fun. Read a book. Eat a snack. Color. Be creative." You know what? That made a huge difference. My kiddos were able to go back later to whatever mini-crisis they were having and have a different perspective and accomplish something that seemed impossible earlier in the day.


Nothing puts life into perspective like having a health concern that may put you out of commission for a lonwhile or permanently.  I was scared stupid.  I wanted to talk to my friends and my sisters, but I also didn't have any information except it may be cancer or it may be absolutely nothing. So while I waited, I made plans with many friends, took an evening walk with my husband every night talking about the day, and hugged my kids extra long everyday.  Now that my health concerns have passed, I still do those things.  I'm making plans to spend more time with friends, I hug my kids extra long every single day, and I spend extra time with my husband with an evening stroll or sitting on the couch watching a favorite show.  It has been much easier to cull out what is the important thing I need to accomplish today: Love my family...and probably feed them ;p  Peace be with you.

"Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the action that we do.  If you want to bring happiness to the whole world, go home and love your family." 
--Mother Teresa

Lenten Journey

Good Friday is a day of contemplation, reflection, and fasting. I still think of myself as someone who is still fairly new to her faith. This Easter I am will be celebrating my 13th birthday in the Church but I am still learning and still growing in my faith. It is definitely a journey and not always an easy one. I am often convicted and then filled with grace as I listen to the homily and receive the Eucharist. There are times I leave Mass full of reflection and conviction and I strive to do better throughout the week: To love more, to forgive more easily, to be more patient, to live as an example of Jesus’ love, grace, and mercy. I am a sinner and while I do my best to live a good life filled with love and charity I make mistakes. I judge, do not easily forgive others, and I am not as patient as I should be with others. 

With that being said, I find that Lent gives me time for introspection, contemplation, reflection, and being open to grace. I have the hardest time with fasting. When people think of Lent they often think of giving up sweets and chocolate. And while that is how I initially started my journey 13 years ago starting with the “easier” things to give up, I have learned that fasting is not just giving up the sweet things it also means fasting from things that me less of the type of person I want to be. About 5 years ago we started fasting from television during Lent. It was really hard for me. I love television and the mental break it gives me from reality. But I found that my kids and I were too invested in the characters on the screen versus the people in real life. So we gave up television for Lent. It was hard the first time and has become easier each year. This year even the littlest one knew that we were giving up television and asked if we could play in the basement away from the tv on the first day of Lent because the temptation of asking to turn on the television would be too much. We spent a couple of hours in the basement. While I crocheted she played with her doll house and dollies making up stories for them. Giving up sweets and television are very tangible ways to practice fasting. 

 But there are the others ways to abstain and they are not as easy for me. I am also learning to abstain from judgmental thoughts and an unwillingness to forgive easily. I still struggle with fasting from social media, but I am learning that I need to give that one up more regularly. Too often I compare myself to others and lament my own inadequacies in my parenting journey. That is not a healthy place to be because most people only post the good things they want people to see. Other people post only the negative things that are affecting us. There needs to be a balance and I do not often see it on Facebook. There are a few pages that give me peace, grace, and balance and I try to stick with those. And can I say that #Catholictwitter has been kind of amazing this Lenten season? I started following priests, brothers, and nuns on Twitter. I almost never post on Twitter, but I have become enriched and more reflective by reading their tweets, especially during Holy Week. But they are not always so serious. They find humor in their chosen vocation. Knowing that they are not always serious, makes my own faith journey a little easier: To know that I can be silly and devout, to know that I can still hold onto my beliefs while loving others, to be forgiven when I sin. It’s a beautiful and sometimes arduous journey. 

This brings me back to today: Good Friday. A day in years past that was really difficult for me because I like food, I like sweets, I like being comfortable and Good Friday takes away all of that. It is in the uncomfortable that I find my true self and it’s not pretty. I am not a nice person when I am hangry and focused on hunger and food. I am not as patient and forgiving. I do not want to be contemplative and reflective. I want to eat. I want to feel comfortable. And I want my kids to fall in line. But I have learned over the years to offer it up. My kids will often hear me mutter to myself during Lent, “Just offer it up. OFFER.IT.UP.” It’s a little silly, but oh so true. Saying it aloud makes me try just a little bit harder. And also, my kids see Mama struggles sometime, but she tries and I think that’s a good example to give them. We are not perfect creatures and showing our children our own vulnerability will hopefully make them more open to understanding their mistakes, asking for forgiveness, and sometimes just offering up their struggles to Jesus because we need a little divine help in getting through this journey. 

Jesus sacrificed his life for ours so that we can have eternal salvation. It puts things in perspective for me. It makes me feel rather petty and small to be worried about my own comfort. And now, I look forward to these times of forced discomfort. Because let’s be real, sometimes we do not do things unless forced. And Lent and Good Friday is a good time to do things out of my comfort zone. It is a set time in my life to be more focused on what the kind of person I want to be for myself and for others. I’m not saying I can’t do this all year long, but as time goes by, I start to fall in my old habits and Lent becomes a time of growth and renewal. 

What does it mean to be "Light of the World"

Today I was reminded of my faith journey. Not only because of Good Friday, but because of the family faith lesson I did with my son on his journey to receive his first Eucharist. Today the lesson was “Be the Light!” My son and I read several instances in the Gospels where Jesus showed mercy and love to everyone, even to the ones that others thought were undeserving. My son was asked to list some ways he can be like Jesus and while he filled out his sheet, I thought brought back to my own thoughts of how I can live like a light into the world.

I have also started to look forward to attending the Stations of the Cross during Lent. Each time I attend I find something that speaks to me. Today it was Station 9 when Jesus falls the third time. The leader prayed from the booklet we use: The Way of the Cross,” …Almighty and eternal God, you permitted your Son to be weakened, crushed, and profaned so that He might rise from the dead freed from the ravages of sin. Help us to accept our weaknesses and failings as forerunners of our glorious resurrection in union with your Son.” Asking for help to accept our weaknesses and failings made me think of a recent story I shared about how I am learning to accept my mistakes and perceived failures and learning to recalculate when situations do not go as expected. Asking for help is powerful when facing trouble. 

There was a time I dreaded Lent and Good Friday and now I look forward to it. I look forward to this time where I can be introspective and learn not only to receive grace but also to give grace when I rather not.

As we turn the corner towards Easter how can I pray for you? How can we each be examples of God’s love and mercy especially in a time of political and social discord? How can we be a light unto one another when the rest of the world seems so negative. I wish you peace at this time. Please pray for me as we come to the end of our Lenten journey this year and that I may continue my journey towards peace, grace, and mercy. Peace be with you.

Be Amazed

Last weekend we went to visit my husband's aunt for a housewarming get together.  I love spending time with our extended family and I love any time that my kids get to spend time with any of their cousins.

While we were there my 16 year old nephew was sharing card tricks to the range of 3-12 year old cousins who were in attendance.  I happened to pass through to check on JellieBean when Buggy asked him to show me his card trick.  I dutifully sat down and gave him my utmost attention.  He did his card trick and I immediately let out a, "Whoah! That's cool!" He looked at me a little doubtfully at first, but there was no denying my sheer enjoyment.  He leaned back and said, "That's the reaction I wanted."  He waved towards his younger cousins and said, "They just sat there. They weren't amazed."  And his cousins nodded seriously and said, "Yeah. Now show her another one." They were just as entertained by my reaction.

My nephew showed me another card trick and was pleased by my reaction. He said that I was the audience he wanted to have and we made deal that he would learn a few new ones and he would show them to me at the next big family gathering. And it struck me, "Be amazed."  I think that phrase could be said about any of the simple pleasures in life. As I read through past posts on my blog I notice that the common thread is about time passing us by too quickly. I am almost trying to hold onto time, but it slips through like water in between by fingers.  I can't catch it and I can't hold on to it. But I can enjoy it while I have it.

The littles quickly figured out the card trick and offered to show me the secret and I declined.  I didn't want to know. I wanted to be "amazed." I spend so much of my life trying to coordinate and organize my family of six that most of the time I don't take the time or feel that I have the time to be amazed. I only see my to do list and I keep pushing through.

One of the neat things about having more than one child and especially having four is that by the time the next one comes around you are a little more confident in your parenting abilities that you can absolutely enjoy the time you have with your kids. Or if you have one kid, as time goes on you realize, "You've got this" and you can relax and enjoy time with your kid and not worrying about every little thing.  I have a friend who makes the most of every minute she has with her kids. They are always going on adventures even if it's to the little beach by their house. They are looking at seashells, little creatures, enjoying the feel of sand or water between their toes.  She clutches to those small moments in time because when she at work, she has to be 100% percent on the job as a labor and delivery nurse and in that job, time is of the essence. I have another friend who works mad hours and I scroll through her instagram pictures of her time at the park, out for a meal, or out for a run with her little one.  And there are times I feel like I should be doing more of that; Just enjoying time with the kiddos and to be amazed at our surroundings and the new skills they have and want to share with me.

Peter reminded me to "be amazed" with the small pleasures.  As I sit here waiting for my JellieBean to be released from preschool, I am enjoying the clicking of the keys as I type, I'm watching the falling leaves outside my window, and I am enjoying the contented feeling of drinking a rare hot mug of tea.  I don't have to be anywhere immediately. I can take a breath and reflect. My preschooler's advice might be the best one given today, "Enjoy your time with Daddy while I'm at preschool." Even at three years old she has unlocked the secret to happiness: "Enjoy your time."

So as we hurtle through the weekend and all the activities it holds: What will amaze you?

"So I commend the enjoyment of life, because there is nothing better for a person under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad.  Then joy will accompany them in their toil all the days of the life God has given them under the sun." Ecclesiastes 8:15 (NIV)

Slowing Down

Oh, how I wish I would talk to my younger self, 11+ years and 4 babies ago, sitting with that brand new baby and say, "Nothing matters, but spending time with your little one.  He'll sleep through the night. He'll potty train. He'll learn to dress himself."  Here I am with "baby" number four and she isn't really a baby anymore. She decided at 18 months that she wanted to potty train and before her third birthday she successfully potty trained, mostly from her own doing  She's also dressing herself and getting into her seat at the kitchen table all by herself.  Where did the time go?  As I look ahead to next year and considering preschool programs, I find myself slowing down.  And the more I want to slow down, the faster the time goes. I feel like that's the theme for this blog.  Time just gets faster the more I want to slow it down and #babiesdontkeep.

When baby #1 came around I was so unprepared. Of course I read all the baby books and took the nursing class and the infant classes.  I had been around babies.  I babysit all through high school and even a little through college. But nothing, nothing, prepared me what I was in for.  The sleepless nights, crying babies who couldn't be soothed, the Aspergers/autism diagnosis for one my children, the joy I felt when they called me by name the first time, the exhaustion I felt when they don't stop calling my name while I'm in the bathroom. 

Now, with baby #4 I know what to expect. By the time she came around, I knew that she could sleep in the same room with us in a co-sleeper and we'd both sleep better. I knew that switching to formula for her to gain weight was not the end of bonding because she needed more than nursing.  I knew that she'd eventually potty-train and probably before I was ready. And I knew that she'd be on the go and that I'd never catch up once she started walking.  And now all I want to do is savor every cuddle.  On a recent trip to a crafts store to pick up materials for a project, Beanie decided that she wanted to push the cart up and down the aisle.  Nine years ago, I would have been frazzled with 2 kids under 3 and there is no way I would have let my 3 year old push the cart.  I also probably wouldn't be leisurely wandering up and down the aisles of a crafts store looking for materials for a project that I wanted to do. 

It's always easier to do things for our kids. Put their shoes on, put on their jackets, hold their backpacks, push them in the stroller so they aren't walking ever so slowly while we are in a mad rush to get to school on time.  My husband has always been so much better than I have been with teaching the kids to become independent.  He taught the first three kids how to dress themselves. He taught the older two how to get their own breakfast cereal in the morning and how to cook oatmeal in the microwave. And I am grateful.  He helped me by teaching our children how to do things for themselves. He was the youngest of five and learned how to be independent. Like in any large family, his siblings helped him and he learned to do things on his own. I came from a small family and my mom graciously did a lot of things for me.  It wasn't until I lived on my own in college that I learned to do laundry and how to cook.  And I could only make about 3 meals when I got married. Fortunately, I've learned a few more since then.

And as I sit here contemplating that the last one started preschool today and that I started writing this post 9 months ago, I have not slowed down too much. In fact not only haven't I slowed down, but neither has time.  I'm sitting here feeling a little guilty that I am going to sit and take time to write and work on some personal goals. I have exactly 90 minutes to do that. Once Beanie gets home from preschool it will be business as usual: chores, errands, making dinner, coordinating the family calendar, and the usual to-do list.  But this 90 minutes is mine to slow down, take stock, reflect, and renewal. #thisis40

Proverbs 16:9  In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.

Almost Wordless Wednesday--Running Buddy

My son and I after his first 10K

Within the last year, my oldest has taken up running races with me.  Usually it entails him rolling out of bed minutes before I leave, scarfing down a quick breakfast, and totally smoking me in the race.  At the end of his first race he said, "Mama, where were you? I was waiting for you and I was getting a little worried because you were taking so long!"  Yeah, kid, I run a LOT slower than you do!

Ever since that first 5K race, we realized that he is a natural runner and has run several 5Ks, a 5-miler, and most recently a 10K with me. And by "with me" I mean, we travel together, the starter goes off, and he's gone.  Several times he has said that he'll start with me and then take off. Hasn't happened yet. I think the adrenaline gets to him and he's gone.

I registered him for rec Cross Country. He only has to run a mile and I told him that it was good for him to work on his speed work.  We have a 5K to sign up for and I realize that it is less than 10 days away and I really should sign up for it ASAP!  I am happy to have a running buddy and that my sweet boy has found something that he enjoys.  He enjoys the race and his aunt made him an awesome bib hanger/chalkboard where he can write down his race times. I love that this is something that he and I can do this together. I strive to look for something to do with each of my children and to partake in their interests. Whether it's racing with #1, coloring in our favorite coloring books with #2, playing legos with #3, or watching Cinderella over and over again with #4. As they age, I'm sure their interests will change and I hope I can keep up.

First Week of School 2017

We are finishing up the first week of school.  I think in some ways I was more nervous than the kids.  We have a new schedule with the oldest starting middle school. He is on his way to the bus stop by the time I wake up the other kids.  He is probably finishing up first period before we even walk out the door to make it school.  Hubby has committed to taking Boogs to the bus stop in the morning which is a huge help.  I have even been able to work out a few mornings before I had to wake up the house.  I even had breakfast every single morning before I took the middle kids to school. This is a huge win because there are many  mornings where I have walked out the door without breakfast only to realize I'm starving at the end of my workout.

Boogie has had a pretty good week. He did forget his binder yesterday and Hubby came back to the house to grab it and made it back just in time before Boogie grabbed the bus.  I don't think I have mentioned it before but Boogie has been diagnosed with a learning disability and has an IEP. The last two years have been difficult with a case manager who just didn't do her job and this is by her own admission during a transition meeting. I mean, Seriously????  Already this year, Boogie's case manager has contacted me every day about things here and there and has checked in with him every.single.day.  She has made the transition to middle much smoother.  Boogie struggles with organization and executive functioning. As a result he has already forgotten to turn in his summer homework and has started cramming papers in his backpack. She has already started working with him on his organization. Amazing. It's like night and day between last year's case manager and this year's case manager.

Buggy is starting 3rd grade and we're blessed that she has fantastic teacher.  Boogie had her in 3rd grade and we are thrilled to be with the same teacher this year.  Buggy has just a few friends in her class this year. That will be a challenge, but she does get to see the rest of her friends during recess. She is already looking forward to signing up for her favorite after school art class and this year she wants to join the chess club.  Yes, to all of this!

Mr. Bananas had a much harder transition.  We were thrilled to find out that he has another fantastic teacher.  She taught Buggy in first grade and we are thrilled to have another kid in her class this year. Even though he had the teacher he wanted, I knew something was up when Mr. Bananas ended up in our bed every night since coming back from the beach.  The morning on the first day of school was atrocious as he woke up in a terrible mood, screaming at us, slamming doors, and basically losing his mind.  I knew it was just anxiety, but my patience was up when he slammed his bedroom door and I found him sitting in bed reading a book instead of getting ready for school.  He pulled it together and ended up have a great day. He hasn't been in our bed since, so it's safe to assume that he's more comfortable with starting first grade.

I think Beanie has had the hardest time.  All of her favorite playmates are in school and she is the last one at home. She so desperately wants to go to school.  After we dropped off all the kids at school. I went upstairs to get something and found her sitting on the floor facing the tv, which was turned off, rubbing her blanket and crying quietly.  When we snuggled she told me she missed her "sib-bings."

As the week has gone on, the mornings are smoother, and I'm finding that the earlier wake up time with the first born is allowing me to get a little bit more done during the day, whether it's an early morning work out, washing all the dishes, or putting in a load of laundry.  I miss my big kids, but I know that they are in good hands.  I'm relishing my mornings with the "baby" and looking forward to getting more done during the day.

It's Friday so tonight will be a yummy dinner followed by family movie night.  Boogie and I will get up early tomorrow for his first cross country practice and we are all enjoying a rare quiet weekend before all of the weekend activities begin in the next couple of weeks.   We're still transitioning which means tired kids, earlier bedtimes, and a quiet-ish weekend. And as I write this, Hubby has nixed family movie night because the kiddos are so tired.  We'll try for tomorrow night.

As the school week draws to an end, I am grateful for all the teachers who work so hard to provide an positive learning environment for their students.  I am grateful for the teachers who have my most precious babies in their classes.  I am grateful for the the administrations that support their teachers. Here is to a happy and healthy new school year.  Peace be with you.

Third grade and first grade, here they come!

Buggy, ready for 3rd grade

She was all smiles until she realized that they were leaving her 

"I miss my sib-bings"

After school picture. They came home with smiles.

Enjoying an after school ice cream treat.