Yes

Yesterday, as we were driving home from errands my youngest sidekick as me if I liked to taking care of all of them all the time. Without hesitation I said, "Yes!" And you're thinking, of course you said, "yes" why wouldn't you? Because there was a time I would have hesitated and I would have cried and felt guilty about crying. Motherhood is hard. It's freaking hard. I was a teacher before I was a mother and I was a good teacher. I loved my students and I built a rapport with them. So much so, that I am still in regular contact with at least two of them. I've been out of the classroom for 11 years and I still get excited when I see or speak to a former student and they tell me how they're doing.

But my little one's question brought me such joy because I could honestly answer yes when I don't think I would have said it in the early years of motherhood. Motherhood was not an easy transition for me. I struggled with postpartum depression. As I was transitioning into motherhood I was transitioning out of job because I felt the job and the those in charge hated me. For years I struggled with the question, "Am I good enough?" Was I good enough mother? Was I good enough wife? Was I a good enough teacher? Forget being a good enough daughter, sister, or friend. I couldn't extend myself that far. I cried regularly because I felt like a failure in every part of my life.

A friend recently told me that when I quit teaching I put all of my energy into being the best mother. But I don't think she realized at the time how much I struggled and for how long I struggled. It took me about 8 years for me to become comfortable with being a stay at home mom and to think I was doing something right. Because I didn't. I never thought I did anything right. My husband saw my anxiety and concern and my sweet man tried his darnedest to make me see that I was doing just fine. And thank goodness for therapy. Therapy is not a bad word. My doctor helped me see what I couldn't and she taught me how to give myself grace.

This is a year of transitions for me. My oldest is applying to high schools programs, my second is applying to middle school programs, my third is applying to another elementary school program, and my youngest will be starting kindergarten in less than a year. Finally, when I feel like I have a handle on motherhood, one by one they are each finding their independence. It's so bittersweet. Each of them are tiptoeing out on their own and I feel like that mama bird who pushes her babies out of the nest encouraging them to fly.

This week my oldest has been in New York City with a school group.  We sent him with prayers and hugs, money, the necessities he needed (clothes, deodorant, body wash, books), and without a cell phone (the horror!). He doesn't own a cell phone nor has he asked for one. He was with a large group and his chaperone (whom we adore and trust!) kept me in the loop daily (thank you, C!!!). And through her pictures and texts I saw my boy grow. He will come back a different person. He will still stink, roll his eyes at me, and be embarrassed by me, but he will be a little more independent, a little more mature, and a little more willing to take a few more steps out on his own. It's moments like these where I think maybe I've done something right.

It will be weird for me to learn how to live my life without a constant sidekick. This year is a practice run while JellieBean goes to preschool a whopping 5 hours a week. I will finally have time to run, write, run errands, and volunteer without a constant hand to hold, to receive a snuggle and a hug when I least expect it, and a little voice in my ear asking me what we are doing next. (Did you notice I didn't mention the house or laundry?)

When I asked JellieBean why she asked me if I liked taking care of them she said, "I never asked you before and I was just wondering. I think you like it, but I wanted to make sure." It's been a long time coming for me to be comfortable in this place in my life. To see my value as a stay at home mom, a wife, and mother. I love that JellieBean asked me and I could answer her in the affirmative. I want to be a positive role model for my kids. I want my girls to see that motherhood is an honorable vocation and not a chore. I want my sons to see motherhood (and fatherhood) is a blessing and to support their future wives if she decides she would like to stay home and raise their children.

I am so happy I said yes, even when I was scared. While I am a little crazed right now looking at new schools for the kids and helping them fill out their applications and find their testing dates, I know that this is but a short moment in time. In less than a year they will all be out of the house more than they are in it. I will start my new adventure in finding out who I am without a constant sidekick. I will have the strength to let go and let them tiptoe out on their own, while being there to anchor and guide them as needed. I'm glad I said, "yes."

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies." --Mother Teresa

Humbled by my Middle Schooler

Wise beyond his years

My son and I had a recent conversation that humbled me.  Our school district requires students to perform at least 75 hours of community service. They have to fill out a form, have it signed by the coordinator, and remember to turn in said form.  Service hours are counted beginning in middle school and are collected through senior year of high school.  The schools offer service hours and also have them incorporated in lessons. For example a class lesson might be a field trip to do a stream clean up.  My son is in 8th grade. This happens to be the same year that he will be confirmed in our church.  His Religious Education coordinator told the students that it is expected to do community service hours to support our parish in three ways: individually, with the family, and with fellow religious education students/community. She said that she expected them to do it and no, she will not collect forms, sign forms, or count hours. She is going to trust them to complete the required community service. They will take time throughout the year to discuss the work they are doing and the value of the work they are doing. Several of the students were put off by the concept of not being recognized by the work they were doing.

Maybe I'm doing something right?

Go back to my conversation with my 8th grader. He has completed his 75 hours of community service required by the school system. He's turned in the required paperwork and I can see online that it's been counted.  He said he's done and he's not filling out another form.  I started to argue with him that he can keep doing community service and why not fill out the form? He'll be recognized at high school graduation for doing more!  He still has 4 years and the rest of 8th grade to rack up the hours!  And this is where he stopped me and humbled me.  He said, "Mom, just because I don't fill out the forms, doesn't mean I won't continue to help the community or our parish. I just don't see the point in tracking the hours. I've completed my hours, but it doesn't mean I'm done helping." And then he proceeded to list where is going to help and when.  He has a plan. He had one all along and I missed it.  I missed it because I was looking for the accolades and the recognition. And he is doing exactly what I am trying to teach him when we talk about corporal and spiritual works of mercy.

Doh. He is so right. Isn't this what I try to instill in my kids on the daily: We are called to serve one another.  We don't do things to gain recognition and credit. We serve others because it is what is right. He just remembered it better than I did.  I was both proud and humbled.

His reminder is coming at a time where I am feeling dismissed in my personal life.  I do try to live by the motto: We are called to serve one another. I bring meals to others,  take people to appointments, support behind the scenes, volunteer at school and activities and to do it without looking for accolades or recognition. And sometimes it does become overwhelming.  There are weeks where I am out of the house everyday because I am checking in on someone or providing a service and I have little time do the things needed for my own family. And there are weeks when things slow down and I'm not needed. And I love serving.  When all of my kids are in school full time I have discussed with my husband about several charities and organizations where I feel called to serve as a volunteer.

Me and my gaggle of kids

And I have to be completely transparent: there are times I am looking for that thank you or recognition because I feel that people see me solely as "that mom with all the kids" and I want to be known for more than that.  I have felt and heard the disgust when people realize that I have a brood and they feel the need to comment on my procreative activities (None of their business thankyouverymuch). I have also been told, "Oh, I didn't recognize you without all of your kids" on the rare occasions I've gone out solo. I have felt the dismissal because people do not see the value of staying home with my family and supporting my husband.  I remember the year that I had my third child. I frequently came to pick up the oldest from kindergarten with some new spit-up on my shoulder. I usually wore the same sweatshirt at pickup with my messy mom bun.  I was pushing a stroller with two kids in it to meet the oldest. A teacher, knowing that I was looking to connect with other moms suggested to a mom with a child in the same class that maybe she and I could connect and she flat out told him that she and her husband are educated and that they don't associate with those kinds of people. I  could only assume she meant me; The mom with the spit-up on her shoulder and disheveled clothes and the gaggle of kids in tow. She didn't bother to get to know me or know that I have a graduate degree in education.  All she saw was the efforts of my labor: tired mom with the messy clothes and the gaggle of kids.

Recently a principal I know asked me if I was willing to come back as a substitute.  He said they are waiting for me whenever I am ready and I have to admit that it felt damn good.  He said he can give me as many hours as I wanted. He said he knew my family was important to me and that I can be flexible.  This came at a time when I have felt dismissed, unappreciated, and undervalued.  Maybe it's up to me overcome those feelings, but sometimes it's hard to push through when no one sees you.  I am taking a class right now and my professor is totally dismissive. I thought maybe I was seeing something that wasn't there, but after three classes, he's definitely not a fan. And the unprovoked dislike is more than I can bear right now.

I'm not looking for sympathy.  I am sharing this because I'm transparent and I had to be reminded by my 13 yo that our work is greater than looking for recognition. I am hurting and feeling dismissed and my innocent son reminded me that I am called to serve others and not to look for recognition. He did not know that I needed to hear this right now.  My reward is not here on earth. The work that I do will hopefully continue after I'm gone. My goal is raise children who follow their faith, know that Jesus loves them, to serve Him by serving others, and to be kind. Saint Teresa of Calcutta reminds us, "We cannot all do great things. But we can do small things with great love."

 What things are you doing with great love?  And to those who are feeling dismissed, invisible, and unrecognized, peace be with you. You ARE doing great things, for without you, there would be less hope and less love. Continue to love.

Peace be with you.

Perspective

For the past few months I have had some health issues.  I was finally able to make it in for a doctor's appointment.  It was with a doctor that I have been with for years and I trust him.  We talked about my health and my concerns.  He proceeded with his examinations and we talked about next steps.  One of the steps was waiting for results.  I like him because while he is cautious and matter of fact, he is not an alarmist.  We talked through his thoughts and where he was headed in my healthcare. I appreciated all of it. And let me tell you 3 weeks to hear the results for something is a real freaking long time to wait! And fortunately the results came more quickly than that and all of my results were normal.  My doctor was able to address the issue in an office visit. But we're both keeping an eye on it and I'm supposed to call him if my issues come up again.

So while I waited I thought of next steps and long term.  I thought about my children and my husband and what I was going to do for different scenarios. I looked up my symptoms for the first week of waiting and then I let it go because worrying and perseverating were not going to get me anywhere and it only made me more anxious. That is not to say that I forgot about it, it was all in the back of my mind.  Waiting, wondering, and thinking of next steps.

But as I waited and wondered, I also approached my parenting, my care for my husband, and daily activities very differently.  The unknown made me more conscientious about how I was spending my time and how I interacted with people.  All the irritations and mild annoyances that plague daily life became less irritating and less annoying. I was facing bigger disruptions if my health issues weren't cleared up with a routine doctor's appointment.

In those three weeks I learned a few things:

Take a deep breath before answering my children when they were being fussy, rude, and hot messes. Usually they low blood sugar or needing to use the bathroom is to blame. Address those issues first and then everything else will usually fall into place.

Nothing is a big deal and most of the time a meal, a nap, going to the bathroom, or a time out with a good book will cure most of the woes...especially when it comes to children and low blood sugar.

There is no use worrying about something. Make plans for a plot twist in life, but don't worry.  Making plans is helpful and useful, worrying is not.

Spend time with the people who matter to you.  Friends and laughter will help with an anxious soul and help put worry aside, even if for a few hours.

And by the same token, don't waste time on people who do not add value to your life.  I spent some time unfollowing and unfriending people on social media.  I realized that their negativity was cluttering up my life in a way that is unhealthy for me.  I can choose who I spend time with and how I want to spend my time.  And some people are not worth the extra effort of scrolling through their images and negativity.  Buh-bye.

Keep going.  While I made adjustments to my perspective on everyday life, I didn't stop living it. I still got up every morning, made breakfast and lunches, did the laundry, menu planned, and I exercised.  I didn't tell the kids I was worried.  I just kept moving forward, but with a better attitude. I think they noticed.  I snuggled more, I read more books with them, and my answer was often: "Take a deep breath. It's not the end of the world. Let's step away from this right now and we'll go back to it in an hour. Go do something fun. Read a book. Eat a snack. Color. Be creative." You know what? That made a huge difference. My kiddos were able to go back later to whatever mini-crisis they were having and have a different perspective and accomplish something that seemed impossible earlier in the day.


Nothing puts life into perspective like having a health concern that may put you out of commission for a lonwhile or permanently.  I was scared stupid.  I wanted to talk to my friends and my sisters, but I also didn't have any information except it may be cancer or it may be absolutely nothing. So while I waited, I made plans with many friends, took an evening walk with my husband every night talking about the day, and hugged my kids extra long everyday.  Now that my health concerns have passed, I still do those things.  I'm making plans to spend more time with friends, I hug my kids extra long every single day, and I spend extra time with my husband with an evening stroll or sitting on the couch watching a favorite show.  It has been much easier to cull out what is the important thing I need to accomplish today: Love my family...and probably feed them ;p  Peace be with you.

"Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the action that we do.  If you want to bring happiness to the whole world, go home and love your family." 
--Mother Teresa

Lenten Journey

Good Friday is a day of contemplation, reflection, and fasting. I still think of myself as someone who is still fairly new to her faith. This Easter I am will be celebrating my 13th birthday in the Church but I am still learning and still growing in my faith. It is definitely a journey and not always an easy one. I am often convicted and then filled with grace as I listen to the homily and receive the Eucharist. There are times I leave Mass full of reflection and conviction and I strive to do better throughout the week: To love more, to forgive more easily, to be more patient, to live as an example of Jesus’ love, grace, and mercy. I am a sinner and while I do my best to live a good life filled with love and charity I make mistakes. I judge, do not easily forgive others, and I am not as patient as I should be with others. 

With that being said, I find that Lent gives me time for introspection, contemplation, reflection, and being open to grace. I have the hardest time with fasting. When people think of Lent they often think of giving up sweets and chocolate. And while that is how I initially started my journey 13 years ago starting with the “easier” things to give up, I have learned that fasting is not just giving up the sweet things it also means fasting from things that me less of the type of person I want to be. About 5 years ago we started fasting from television during Lent. It was really hard for me. I love television and the mental break it gives me from reality. But I found that my kids and I were too invested in the characters on the screen versus the people in real life. So we gave up television for Lent. It was hard the first time and has become easier each year. This year even the littlest one knew that we were giving up television and asked if we could play in the basement away from the tv on the first day of Lent because the temptation of asking to turn on the television would be too much. We spent a couple of hours in the basement. While I crocheted she played with her doll house and dollies making up stories for them. Giving up sweets and television are very tangible ways to practice fasting. 

 But there are the others ways to abstain and they are not as easy for me. I am also learning to abstain from judgmental thoughts and an unwillingness to forgive easily. I still struggle with fasting from social media, but I am learning that I need to give that one up more regularly. Too often I compare myself to others and lament my own inadequacies in my parenting journey. That is not a healthy place to be because most people only post the good things they want people to see. Other people post only the negative things that are affecting us. There needs to be a balance and I do not often see it on Facebook. There are a few pages that give me peace, grace, and balance and I try to stick with those. And can I say that #Catholictwitter has been kind of amazing this Lenten season? I started following priests, brothers, and nuns on Twitter. I almost never post on Twitter, but I have become enriched and more reflective by reading their tweets, especially during Holy Week. But they are not always so serious. They find humor in their chosen vocation. Knowing that they are not always serious, makes my own faith journey a little easier: To know that I can be silly and devout, to know that I can still hold onto my beliefs while loving others, to be forgiven when I sin. It’s a beautiful and sometimes arduous journey. 

This brings me back to today: Good Friday. A day in years past that was really difficult for me because I like food, I like sweets, I like being comfortable and Good Friday takes away all of that. It is in the uncomfortable that I find my true self and it’s not pretty. I am not a nice person when I am hangry and focused on hunger and food. I am not as patient and forgiving. I do not want to be contemplative and reflective. I want to eat. I want to feel comfortable. And I want my kids to fall in line. But I have learned over the years to offer it up. My kids will often hear me mutter to myself during Lent, “Just offer it up. OFFER.IT.UP.” It’s a little silly, but oh so true. Saying it aloud makes me try just a little bit harder. And also, my kids see Mama struggles sometime, but she tries and I think that’s a good example to give them. We are not perfect creatures and showing our children our own vulnerability will hopefully make them more open to understanding their mistakes, asking for forgiveness, and sometimes just offering up their struggles to Jesus because we need a little divine help in getting through this journey. 

Jesus sacrificed his life for ours so that we can have eternal salvation. It puts things in perspective for me. It makes me feel rather petty and small to be worried about my own comfort. And now, I look forward to these times of forced discomfort. Because let’s be real, sometimes we do not do things unless forced. And Lent and Good Friday is a good time to do things out of my comfort zone. It is a set time in my life to be more focused on what the kind of person I want to be for myself and for others. I’m not saying I can’t do this all year long, but as time goes by, I start to fall in my old habits and Lent becomes a time of growth and renewal. 

What does it mean to be "Light of the World"

Today I was reminded of my faith journey. Not only because of Good Friday, but because of the family faith lesson I did with my son on his journey to receive his first Eucharist. Today the lesson was “Be the Light!” My son and I read several instances in the Gospels where Jesus showed mercy and love to everyone, even to the ones that others thought were undeserving. My son was asked to list some ways he can be like Jesus and while he filled out his sheet, I thought brought back to my own thoughts of how I can live like a light into the world.

I have also started to look forward to attending the Stations of the Cross during Lent. Each time I attend I find something that speaks to me. Today it was Station 9 when Jesus falls the third time. The leader prayed from the booklet we use: The Way of the Cross,” …Almighty and eternal God, you permitted your Son to be weakened, crushed, and profaned so that He might rise from the dead freed from the ravages of sin. Help us to accept our weaknesses and failings as forerunners of our glorious resurrection in union with your Son.” Asking for help to accept our weaknesses and failings made me think of a recent story I shared about how I am learning to accept my mistakes and perceived failures and learning to recalculate when situations do not go as expected. Asking for help is powerful when facing trouble. 

There was a time I dreaded Lent and Good Friday and now I look forward to it. I look forward to this time where I can be introspective and learn not only to receive grace but also to give grace when I rather not.

As we turn the corner towards Easter how can I pray for you? How can we each be examples of God’s love and mercy especially in a time of political and social discord? How can we be a light unto one another when the rest of the world seems so negative. I wish you peace at this time. Please pray for me as we come to the end of our Lenten journey this year and that I may continue my journey towards peace, grace, and mercy. Peace be with you.